The greatest role you will ever have is the role you are currently playing… that’s right I’m talking about your act.

Have you ever felt like things are going really well in the role you are playing as yourself?? Ramdas (a spiritual teacher) once said; ?If you feel as you have reached enlightenment, spend a week with your family.?

You all know this scenario very well.? You are making progress in life and feel completely in flow but then you get around your family or an old group of friends that you see as family and things unfold in an argument or incident leaving you feeling as if you are the worst person on Earth.?

This happens to me often and yet I keep coming back for more? so what?s wrong with me?? I feel as if I?m some sort of junkie stuck in a mad loop where I keep doing the same thing over and over all the while expecting different results.? Wait ? isn?t that the definition of insanity? Then I guess at some level I?m truly mad.

In an attempt to feel better, I play out what led up to the argument I had with people I care for a great deal.? I think of all the what-if?s, the should-be?s and the could-be?s.? Like Tom cruise in the movie Oblivion, I reimagine the event over and over again trying to see what happened and what went wrong.? I play out scenarios where I could have done things differently.? I replay the scenes where I am a different person, a better person ? the person they all want me to be and wonder if that will help bring me some peace.? Yet the fact of the matter is that in my present self, I have to see that I am being the best version of me that I can be.? I have done nothing wrong.

With that said, why is it that I feel as if I?m a bad person, somehow less than the other?? Why do I feel as if I?ve done something wrong?? Why do I always find myself in these kind of situations?? Why then am I still left here with an empty black hole floating in the central orbit of my heart, watching helplessly as it consumes me slowly turning all forms of light into darkness

It?s not for lack of trying to change myself for those around me.? Oh I?ve been to the Circus School of You?re Not Good Enough, Kind Enough, Diplomatic enough – SO CHANGE NOW quite often.? Oh Hell ? I have an advanced diploma from that institute.? I feel as if I have done so much to grow and shift my old patterns, yet it never seems to be enough because here I am again feeling crushed.

So what if I tried something radical.? Teachers and people around me have always taught me that I am the creator of all things.? What if I realized that by putting myself in these situations, by being around these same people, by making them more SPECIAL than others because they are my family or my crew ? I close myself to new worlds that are trying to open to me.? What if I opened my eyes and saw that in being around this energy and these same people, I get to play a part I know oh-so-well. ? A roll where I put on an old familiar dark cloak.? A cloak that transforms me just as Josephs multicoloured coat had done in his biblical tale.? Yet instead of lightness and joy, upon adorning my cloak and fulfilling my role, I am transported to centre stage as the fall guy, the villain, the anti-hero. ?

Each time I experience this scenario ? and trust me I?ve been here in what seems to be a million times before ? I?m reminded that there is no one to blame but myself.? Now you may instantly be thinking to yourself ? Why the fuck doesn?t he just get new friends and if the family doesn?t fit ? well just spend less time with them right?? Not that easy ? you see when you have played a roll most of your life, and you have been telling yourself you are the villain you are pretending to be? well then that?s when you sort of lose yourself into your adopted character and actually become them.? ?

Whenever I lose myself to this character I find myself in a place where I believe life is happening TO ME and not FOR ME, a place where I don?t own the fact that I?m the creator.? I am left in a Victim State where I have been hard done by and I don?t own my part in the madness Im creating.? I find myself wanting to attack and be right.? Then I find myself convincing myself that I am in-fact wrong and believe myself to be the monster others see.

What would happen if I decided to take that dark and dingy cloak off?? What if by a sudden miracle I walked off the stage, not angrily but in a state of joy sending silent love to all the characters around me, for without them I could have never understood it was time for a change.? What if I auditioned for other play?s?? Play?s where I had smaller and sometimes bigger parts.? Play?s where I got to expand my character and play different rolls. ?

What would be possible ? well let?s see? ? (exit stage left)