Today I completed some BIG tasks… the kind tasks that have lingered around like cobwebs in a creepy old house just waiting to be intruded upon. These were to do list items that I had thought about and prepared to complete for months; one was an application to a Life Changing Dream Job in the fashion Industry for a company based in Europe and the other was the beginning preparations of an on-going writing project that a friend wants me to do for her — a project that will provide me a small but much needed boost to my monthly income.
Now with that in mind you would think GREAT! Its time to celebrate! & that is what any normal person would do. Yet for me I am left in this anxious state. It’s a feeling that creeps up on me like a creature that is slowly emerging from the Black Lagoon… a monster that yearns to take over every good morsel of me and replace it with this Slimy Dark Icky Gichk.
So why do I do this to myself? OH WAIT, I should rephrase that and ask why WE do that to ourselves — because I’m pretty sure we have all been guilty of this at some point, its just that I’ve made a nasty habit of it.
I think what happens for me is that I have bought into this ‘Sonny you could always do better’ obsessive mentality (its almost a sickness). It’s the voice that tells me if you want to be ‘The Best’ you better pick it up and do a much more Fantastic Job because this is not the stuff of a Gold Medalist, this is stuff of people who are not sensational, people who are scatter brained… this is the stuff of losers and average Joes. WoW – no judgements there hey!?
The danger in what I’m doing in pushing myself SO HARD is that I am missing the moment. I get myself into a state where instead of celebrating, I walked home from the workspace I was at and had to focus on my breathing as I was overwhelmed with this thunderous feeling of anxiety. A feeling where all I could see was the image of a clock tick-tock-ticking and a sad little shadow of me trying to catch up to it — but never quite doing so.
But all is not lost… you see I have you and I have the things I’m learning like affirmations of remembering that I AM ENOUGH and that ALL IS WELL (I’ll try not to be so angry when I say those). I also have tools like the ability to STOP, take a deep breath and remember that even in writing this piece I accomplished something BIG, I accomplished overcoming the FEAR (because I doubt the validity of what I have to say and share) of finally posting something on my site and getting back to what I love doing… CONNECTING with each one of you and mostly allowing myself to feel accomplished.
So as you go off back to your lives, remember to do as I am trying to do when you STOP and Be Kind to Yourselves.
